I have an internet friend in Canada who’s been rather ill lately and though she is on the mend she easily tires during the course of the day. The doctor recommended plenty of rest so I tried to make it a point not to harangue her with inquiries and requests for updates.

Once I knew that she was aware that she was in my prayers I tended to leave her alone as that was my sense of what she wanted...to be given time to heal and come around socially as she was ready.

The hitch in all of that was that before she fell ill the lady had promised to send me some information I needed very badly and would have her son burn it onto a CD for me.

Days turned into weeks and I was in a quandary about what to do. I did not want to bother her when I knew she didn’t feel well but the time factor was drawing critical.

Finally I sent an apologetic E mail in which I told her how much I hated to “poke” her regarding the information but reminded her of my need. She answered back that the bottleneck was her 20 year old son who had the CD burner and kept procrastinating each time she reminded him about the favor.

She gave me his E mail and encouraged me to “play” with his mind in order to impress upon him the importance of the task. So this is the letter I sent.

“Dear James,

Your mother tells me that you are the one whose services she volunteered to help her get me the information I need.

Your Mom is a really nice woman. Maybe too nice.

I’m sure you’ve heard that the internet is a very dangerous place. There are lots of wacko’s out here who may not be trustworthy.

At least that is what my dog tells me.

I understand that there have been delays in your ability to do the actual burning and I want you to know that despite pressures from the voices that scream at me daily, you should not worry...I am not given to fits of violence...not anymore...not since I’ve been taking my medicine. Trouble is, James, that each time I dip into the pill bottle...I see that there are fewer and fewer pills left.

I showed my dog how few pills I have and he suggested that since you did not have time to burn the CD’s maybe I should buy a plane ticket and come up and do it myself. So that is what I’ve decided to do.

I promise not to make any trouble but I do have a couple of requests so that my visit will cause as little chaos as is humanly possible.

First, as soon as I know which night I will arrive I will ask that you unlock the screens on all the windows. I have issues about entering through doorways...the last time I was forced to enter through a door I screamed King Olaf’s Beseechment to Oden while urinating freely into my boots...so unlatching the screens would be really helpful.

If you could maybe just leave some milk and cookies on the counter I will try not to disturb the sleeping household. I don’t like disturbing sleeping households, James.

I don’t like talking about the last time I disturbed a sleeping household either. But I like you James, and have decided to make an exception in your case. The details are sketchy. I just remember reaching for a pill and not finding one in the tin...then my dog spoke and my head suddenly got real hot and there were lots of screams James and then these men in vests rushed in and told me to lay down the chainsaw. The rest is kind of a blur.

But I promise nothing like that will happen this time James. It will all go like clockwork.

One thing though. Just to play it safe it might be a good idea to lock away all the sharp objects in the house. Now when I say “sharp” James, I urge you to apply the broadest possible definition to that word.

One of my handlers once took me to his house and thought he had removed all the sharp items. *laughing* He got this really funny look on his face after awhile and told me he had never seen anyone do that with a spoon. Then he fell down.

Anyway James, I don’t want to bore you with my problems.

I will be hearing from the airline people soon and will let you know when to unsnap those screens!

Give your Mom a hug for me and you sleep well now, you hear?”

I’m told to expect the CD’s via overnight mail.