The Novitiate's Guide to Metaphysical Cynicism As a hack writer I’ve had to look up definitions of a gazillion words in the dictionary. (The actual figure is 1.2 gazillion but let’s not quibble.) The longer I live the more I’ve come to understand that the dictionary isn’t truly adequate. That is, the dictionary defines words the way they were originally intended to be used. But the sands of time and the winds of experience have suggested to me that someone should write a dictionary of definitions for words as they have come to be redefined as the misfortunes of human endeavor invariably color them. Having celebrated over 50 years of planetary infestation, I am sad to say that my mind often runs to the cynic’s view. So several years ago I began working on a tome I choose to call The Novitiate’s Guide to Metaphysical Cynicism. Within this body of work is a section I call The Cynictionary, some definitions from which I include below. All you cynics out there who care to contribute to this body of work are encouraged to do so by using the E mail address you see below. So plant your tongue firmly in your cheek and join me in a cynic’s fest. Incidentally, I profess no originality with this concept. Ambrose Bierce, one of my favorite all time writers, wrote The Devil’s Dictionary over a hundred years ago. He too defined words with cynical twists. I just felt that with a hundred more years of human folly, some fresh entries should be made. So here goes—The Cynictionary (with occasional poetic embellishment) ambush, n. The ultimate destiny for those who keep strictly to straight and narrow paths. Last Words of a Sidekick Tonto said to The Great Masked Man, “I think our heading’s wrong. These rocks could be crawling with brothers of mine and I...” bitterness, n. What one’s extant lover counsels against while backing out the door with a packed suitcase. Bonus points awarded if said with a straight face. commitment, n. A preselected path that is certain, steady and irrevocable. (Unless something happens.) The Lady Gwenyvere I will love you my Prince Charming I will never say good-by. I am yours now and forever, Under this (word that rhymes with sky) I will love you while the earth turns, while the rivers run their course. But I’ll make you wish that you’d never been born. If you ever fall off of that stupid white horse. conservative, n. One whose political sensibilities dictate that when he sees a prospective drownee flailing his arms to disjointment 50 feet from shore, a life preserver should be launched at the end of a 25 foot tether while encouraging the miscreant to swim the remaining distance in order to build his character and develop self-sufficiency. This distinguishes him from the liberal whose political sensibilities dictate that when he sees the same hapless victim drowning 50 feet from shore, he should throw out a 100 foot lifeline, then turn loose of his end to dash off and do another good deed. forgive, v. To encourage sniveling and repeated offenses. grovel, v. To mature in one’s manhood. mediocrity, n. The destiny of untalented perseverance. preference, n. Symptom of a folly based upon three erroneous assumptions. 1. That there is a fundamental difference between one thing and another. 2. That said differences can be charted on a gradient scale. 3. That The Eternal Hum is interested in considering your preferences, observations or insight while destiny is being plotted. remorseful, adj. Apprehended and awaiting punishment. survivor, n. Witness to a catastrophic event that apparently did not go as wrong as it could have. yes, adv. The Deity’s answer to all prayers once he’s certain you truly are the nasty little creep you appear to be and deservative of whatever exotic forms of torment you care to conjure up for yourself. A Whispered Prayer I’ve never come to you to ask, a single thing on bended knee. But Lord...that brunette at the bar on the right can’t she just leave with me tonight? "Yes."