Lookin' For Love My wife and I were married once but we figured out what to do about that in 1978. After the divorce I had any number of friends offer to “fix me up”. I must have been introduced to a squadron of ladies, most of whom were elevated in my esteem when they declined a second date. The remainder who did show any interest I found wanting on the Groucho principle. For those of you too young to remember, and to paraphrase Mr. Marx, “I don’t think I want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” Among the options I’ve not pursued for meeting wo-people are the personal ads. As any caring, sensitive man who’s been roundhoused by an eight-pound purse with shoulder straps can tell you, “wo-people” is the politically correct term preferred by self-aware ladies these days. They don’t like to have “man” included in their titles. I suppose on the same principle those heavy metal discs in the roadway allowing workers access to underground cables should be referred to as person hole covers. At any rate, my attention has been drawn lately to the personal ads that appear in this and many news publications these days. It takes a magic decoder ring to read them however. Lots of cryptic phrases and abbreviations are used by romantic hopefuls. Some of them are pretty logical and easy to decipher. An SWM is a Single White Male. DBF is a Divorced Black Female. I’m still working on ISO while H/W/P leaves me completely adrift. HBP in baseball scoring means “hit by pitch”. I’m hopeful that H/W/P means something less likely to inflict deep muscle bruising and bone chips. In addition to the esoteric abbreviations, the adds generally include a list of attributes and preferences. A few of them cast light on the nature of the person running the ad but just as many do not. For example, people who claim to like ice cream and puppies distinguish themselve as members of an exclusive club reserved for pretty much everyone on the globe. I think the only life form on the planet I’ve encountered that doesn’t like ice cream and puppies are attorneys-at-law. Actually it is rumored they do like puppies but purely as an appetizer. (NOTE TO BAR MEMBERS — The flux state of my self-editing contract allows for one lawyer joke annually save those you send me. Short of that my literary contributions to jurisprudence are at an end for the fiscal year.) I also think people who claim to like taking walks in the rain haven’t really thought it through. It sounds nice and romantic in an Ali McGraw sort of way. Truth is water runs down your collar until your socks start to squish. I don’t “do” sexy very well anyway. I can’t imagine squishy socks helping much. On the other hand I’m not so sure how anxious I am for another romantic interlude, wet socks or no. Like most males I have absolutely no clue what it is women want. Take my last girlfriend for example. She told me I didn’t compliment her enough. So after a tennis match one hot summer’s day, I went out of my way to tell her I didn’t think she perspired much for a heavy girl. Wouldn’t you know it? She took umbrage. So I think I’ll go slowly when it comes to answering personal ads. I don’t think I want to take any H/W/P’s out until I’m certain I won’t be HBP for my trouble. Of course it wouldn’t be fiscally responsible of me to fail to take advantage of my position by not running a personal ad of my own in this space. So here goes: ________________________________________________ Overweight, middle-aged, balding SWM with breath like kerosene, a weakness for good Scotch and a propensity for endless complaining about my bad back mixed with excruciatingly detailed narratives of my military prowess (improved upon by thirty years of enhanced powers of recollection) desires to meet an 18-22 year old retired cheerleader who hates shopping and reading paperback novels with pictures of two people on the cover gazing at each other. The ideal candidate will have a limited vocabulary and be an only child to aging parents (preferably enjoying poor health) who own a liquor store or a Porsche dealership. Sincere. No smokers. ________________________________________________